If you Tinder they will come...

I tried to cry tonight. Driving home from work and sweating in my hot car, I rolled my window down and wondered if anyone would notice another human's car tears flowing. I've seen it before on occasion. The sadness. The solitude. The drama. Why are they so sad? Should I instagram this?

I gave it a good shot and even got a few tears to come out. I thought, 'hey now I'm on my way... I can get all dramatic about it and like, wail a little just to make an impact.' But it didn't happen. I couldn't really commit. The thing I was feeling mildly sad about just seemed entirely too stupid.

I've been on Tinder for a month. Not a long time by any means for most seasoned dating app veterans. I am basically so new I have barely had my throat cleared of womb bits after passing through the portal. And how can anyone cry about a broken heart when they haven't even taken that first breath? The truth is, I don't have a broken heart. I'm not lamenting anyone from my past. I'm not stuck on anyone, or needing to leave the country like that one time...

if you want to know the honest truth, I'm just bored.

I'm not lacking fulfillment in too many other areas of my life, really. My job is good. My friends are good. My bedroom is painted the perfect color. I love my cat. The only thing is... my cat can't spoon me all that well. I mean, she does what she can, but it's 91 degrees in my house right now, and she is hairy. I would prefer sweatily spooning with someone at least slightly less hirsute. 

"The thing about being single for years is that sometimes you just want someone annoying to come home to." -Me

You know what I mean. Like 'gross socks on the floor' annoying. Or 'you cooked me dinner but the kitchen looks like a three year old got creative with strange meats'. That kind of thing. Like annoyed and yet somehow still in love with the gross human you live with. There's just nothing like it! Some days all it comes down to is wanting someone other than myself (and what I am going to make for dinner tonight) to think about.

So when I'm driving home in my car willing myself to cry like I mean it, these are the things I'm trying to be sad about. And in all this, there really are actual things to lightly mourn. Like the text relationship I had with the comedian for a couple of weeks. It was super fun! And I'm only sad about it now because it gave me a taste of the real thing. Texting private jokes back and forth with someone that gets your jacked up sense of humor. Getting texted cute pics of a dude in his work uniform... evidence that you're being thought about by someone other than your mother. I didn't expect it, but once it slowed down and went away, I rather missed it. 

No hard feelings, cause it was so fun. Just melancholic feelings for that very same reason. 

What I'm mostly finding out there in the dating world are humans with flaws and messy feelings, and even messier break ups. Men in their thirties with kids and exes and the desire to make better lives for themselves. And I gotta say, at least the sad DILFS I have encountered so far have been really nice guys. (I'm really sorry for making that joke. But typing "SAD DILF"--come on. I had to!!!)

Here's where I have to admit that I empathize. I was sad about someone at 30. I was sad about someone else at 35. The early thirties are a magical time when you're still young, but you can no longer shrug off your bad habits. You have to own up to them and change if you want to end up with any self respect. So good job. I am impressed by men seeking self improvement. It's way more appealing to me than tribal tatted perfect biceps, or a corvette and a 401K. 

Men, your flaws are interesting. Your attempts to get your lives together are attractive. Your messy awkwardness can be so cute.

I'll be thinking about these things tonight as my cat claws at my door, meowing for 2 hours trying to get in to spoon me. But I won't cry about it.

***PRO-TIP: don't let your cat step on your phone when your Tinder app is open...